


panic room.

by infiniteyu



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Break Up, Bruises, Character Study, Choi San-centric, Cliffs of Insanity, Confusion, Crying, Disappointment, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hearing Voices, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Letters, Loneliness, Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Madness, Mental Breakdown, Mutilation, Other, Pain, Post-Break Up, Running Away, Sad, Scratching, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Thought Projection, Twisted, Unrequited Love, Woosanhwa, but not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25354795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteyu/pseuds/infiniteyu
Summary: i love you. both of you. but i don't think i can ever love myself again.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung/Park Seonghwa, Choi San/Park Seonghwa, Jung Wooyoung/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 1
Kudos: 38





	1. 1.

"i don't know how i feel. you know when you wake up and you don't have the courage, or just really don't wanna get up? you know when you think so poorly of yourself that you just can't bring yourself to believe that someone loves you?

people are lying to me, i can hear it. i can feel it. their lies keep leaving scratches on my back, deep purple bruises around my neck and cuts all over my arms and legs. i'm/was permanently damaged by oh-so-innocent lies. and they keep coming. nonstop. 

i pour myself into my feelings because i think that people deserve multiple chances, but i keep hurting myself and the people i love barely acknowledge that. it's like they've closed themselves off, away from me, like i'm just a fading light bulb, almost completely out of shine. 

i used to be different. i used to really care about the sky. when did that change? i'm not sure.

i can feel his kiss. like he's right here, holding me and kissing me all over again. his kisses made me smile. he always smelled like home. like waffles and recently brewed coffee. he made me feel like i was a poem. hwa really made me feel like myself. he did.

still, woo just takes care of me like he's afraid i'm about to snap. on second thought, maybe i am. maybe i'm just a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. i wouldn't hurt him, no, i'd leave myself inside a secluded room and just boom. but i can't do that right now, so tic toc tic toc. woo made my eyes shine, made my heart race. flowers bloomed everywhere he touched me. yeah, he made me feel like myself. he did.

and now, look at me. i don't even know who i am. do you know why? because love is real, love exists and the one guarantee that love gives us is that we're going to get hurt at some point. so, yeah, i'm hurt. but i gotta keep it in, i can't let them know.

look at me. 

i used to be so much, now i'm barely breathing from too much crying.

i'm sorry woo, i'm sorry hwa.

i haven't been eating properly, neither drinking enough water. barely slept, the nightmares keep coming back. i did what you guys told me, to hold my plushies tightly but they always end up on the floor while i'm asleep. they can't protect me like you guys did. i know you guys wouldn't be proud right now, you'd be upset that i'm laying in bed and crying. i know, sannie is pathetic. i'm fucking pathetic. but i'm so tired of trying so hard...

__

i love you. both of you. but i don't think i can ever love myself again."

__


	2. 2.

San opened his eyes. People walking all around, click clack, click clack. Tall high heels and low leather boots, slippery sneakers and colorful flip flops. 

Welcome to the panic room.

Blurry images of unknown men and women walking by. His backpack felt heavy and the thick air kept on bothering him all the time. He felt like suffocating and letting himself fall, no matter how many people walked by him. Hands shaking, he grabbed his phone inside his pocket and a single tear managed to slip through, falling down and leaving a hot trace where it went through his face. 

_Park Seonghwa:_ **[46 unread messages]**  
_Park Seonghwa:_ **[18 missed calls]**  
_Jung Wooyoung_ : **[108 unread messages]**  
_Jung Wooyoung:_ **[36 missed calls]**  
_Jung Yunho:_ **[20 unread messages]**  
_Jung Yunho:_ **[6 missed calls** ]  
_Choi Jongho:_ **[127 unread messages** ]  
_Choi Jongho:_ **[51 missed calls** ]

His hand lost its grip on the phone, letting it fall silently to the ground as he promptly stepped on it, shattering the screen to a billion tiny pieces, just like his heart. He kept on stepping on it, staring as the device became nothing but garbage.

Heart beating fast, too fast, he looked ahead and swallowed deeply, walking forward. A blonde figure waved enthusiastically at him through the crowd, holding a sign that read _"THE Choi San"._

He blinked the tears away as he ran into his friend's arms, letting himself be taken into his embrace as he bawled out and lost all of his fears for a split second. Yeosang rubbed his lower back soothingly, pressing his body against San's for what seemed like ages. The latter could feel his smile on his neck, a silently confirmation that he was glad he was still alive instead of what his mind had worked beforehand.

\- You still smell like peaches... - Yeosang said almost with no sound, letting his hand wander up into the boy's hair as he tried to calm down his broken heart - You still feel the same.

\- I'm not... - San murmured in response, finally letting go of the blonde to look at him properly. Tears wet his face nonstop, his feelings bubbling into cold-blue sadness and searing hot pink confusion - _Thank you._

\- Anytime. We should get going, though. Need help with your backpack? - he asked gently, already extending one of his hands to take away his bag.

\- No, just- it's alright. Not heavy or anything. I didn't dare bring everything I wanted to. 

\- Yeah... I know. You're going to be fine, Sannie. I'm sure of it. - Yeosang smiled softly, taking his friend's hand into his own and walking him to his car.

San kept on seeing neon lights everywhere, a mix of greens and reds, signs to stop and to keep going at the same time. He was slowly losing his mind. There was no way out of this situation, he was going to end up alone one way or another. He was going to end up dead. He was going to end. The voices kept on getting loud as he stared out the window, looking around. It would be a few months at most, everything was going to be alright. He... they-

\- San, baby, we're here. - he snapped his head towards Yeosang, flinching as he felt his hand on his shoulder. The blonde backed off immediately, letting his hand go through his hair and push it back - I'm sorry. We're here, gotta go up, yeah? You can rest when we're home. I'll make you some food and you can sleep. Promise.

Blurry photos, disfigured faces, Wooyoung. Broken voice and loud sobbing, cold eyes, Seonghwa. White, white, white, white, white. The voices inside his head kept evoking the madness within, the sadness and the anger, the blood and the darkness. White, white, white, white, white. The white shirt thrown on the floor as he stepped inside the occupied bedroom. 

_\- Fuck, babe..._

Tears. It was coming back, it was going to happen again. He covered his ears and crouched on the ground, his feet aching from the burden of carrying his own body around, as if he was a foreign to himself. He was going crazy.

 _\- He barely even comes out of his bedroom anymore, Seongwha_!

White, white, white, white, white. White walls, white carpet, white bed sheets, white hoodie, white socks. Blinding white pain. He rocked himself, holding his knees. 

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

Banging his head against the wall slowly, he let the tears flood and go down his face.

_\- Sannie, please, open up. Please, open up. For me and Wooyoungie. Please, we're so worried, you haven't eaten in days, we haven't even seen your face. Please, come out._

_Knock._

_Kn- **THUD.**_

_**THUD.** _

_**THUD**_.

Warm liquid running down his neck and back, sharp pain on his scalp as he kept on banging his head on the wall right on his back.

\- Give me your backpack, Sannie.

\- Huh? - he turned around and stared blankly at Yeosang - Oh, sure, yes... - taking off his bag, he handed it to his friend as he followed him through the house.

\- So... - he started, hold San's backpack - This will be your bedroom for the time being. I know I said I'd give you the bigger one, but Hongjoong broke the bed. Literally. You'll stay with him until I manage to buy a new one, which will be this week still, so don't get too comfortable, alright? I hope that doesn't bother you...

\- N-no! Not at all, it's perfectly fine. You're saving my life. - San smiled and Yeosang mirrored his action.

\- Don't mention it.

San shook his head a few times, grasping his current situation. He was now living with his long term friend, Yeosang. Model and streamer, as well as singer and dancer. A whole package. At the same time, he was sharing a bedroom with Hongjoong, who he'd briefly met and knew to be a composer and producer. Since San had left everything behind (his job, college, family and friends), Yeosang was the one paying for his expenses. Granted, the blonde guy had way more money than he'd actually spend, so he was doing it from the bottom of his heart, even if it upset San that he couldn't afford to pay his own expenses.

\- I'm going to look for a job soon, so-

\- What you're going to do is eat and get some rest. I'm sure the flight was exhausting.

He'd left behind his boyfriends, his younger brother, his best friend and his dog in the name of his sanity and his beloved one's precious time. He couldn't stand being a burden to Seonghwa and Wooyoung no more. The suicidal thoughts that filled his mind and the self destructive feelings kept getting to him, making him feel unwanted, not needed, alone, forgotten and afraid. His life laid carefully on the knives of Seonghwa and Wooyoung's fingertips. San hated every moment of it.

His boyfriends were worried all the time, kept on asking for him to let them help him, but the truth was that they couldn't. San was going to kill himself. That was when he decided that if he was going to kill himself, he'd never let Woo and Hwa know. So he called the one person he trusted outside of his usual friend circle, Yeosang, and hopped on the first flight he could.

Oh, yeah, also... he was now on the other side of the world, living in the USA.


	3. 3.

Two weeks. 

Two whole weeks of living with Yeosang and Hongjoong. Granted, the latter was never home and even then, he already had a bedroom of his own, so it was even less likely that they'd meet and actually talk.

As much as San wouldn't want to admit, he was starting to feel comfortable. Everything was easy when it came to him and his best friend. Yeosang always had a way around him, always so ready to help and give, give, give. In fact, he always gave San so much that the couldn't help but feel guilty. After years of not talking to Yeosang, he was still so eager to take care of him that San felt ashamed. He should've paid more attention to the people that surrounded him when he had the chance. There was no changing the past, but he could try and make it right now.

Of course, the first week was far from easy. He couldn't leave his room, at all - hence why he never got to actually bond with Hongjoong even when he was home. Yeosang was there for every single meal, helping him through it and basically feeding him with a cute red spoon he'd bought for San _("what's with the red spoon?", "it reminded me of your hair in high school")_. Yeosang also had grown a habit out of hugging him to sleep and soon enough he'd forgotten what his own bedroom looked like. San wouldn't complain, thought, he liked not being alone.

The second week went by a lot easier than the first. Yeosang was sleeping with him every single night, Hongjoong was barely seen around the house and, finally, he started to leave his bedroom. The suicidal thoughts were kept at bay for most of the time and even his sanity seemed to be in check. Slowly, things seemed to be getting back on track and San had his first taste at hope in a long time.

A few more weeks passed by in a flash. San was out for grocery shopping. Slowly but surely he had started going out for basic things, now fully capable of doing certain simple tasks without his anxiety chewing at his throat. Yeosang was actually organized and neat, which surprised the youngest quite a lot. He had a little to-buy list made by the blonde and that meant one thing: he was preparing something special. You see, Yeosang was very reserved for someone constantly on the spotlight. He was an internet personality and model altogether, but to San he just seemed like any other person that walked by while he paid for the groceries. 

Heading back to the apartment, San couldn't help but stare at the outside world through the cab window. He missed his family. Memories of the people he loved seemed to go by in a flash, pops of pretty shades of pink and purple painting his view as he felt tears blur his vision. Pastel blues and yellows seemed to bring his thoughts to life as he could almost feel his brother's hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles in order to get him to calm down. 

He missed Jongho. He missed him so much. He missed the late night snacks and video games, he missed his honey-like voice and his sweet personality, he missed his dumbass jokes and his shy smile. He just missed him. The same thing could be said about his boyfriends. San missed them all so much it physically hurt. He could almost hear their voices next to him, feel their presence like he wasn't alone going up the stairs to his apartment.

He put the groceries on the kitchen island, for once taking the time to admire the place. It was beautifully decorated in shades of black and grey, with some dark wood accents that brought life to the room. A few potted plants gave the kitchen a pop of color, as well as the cute notes and pins on the refrigerator door. Yeosang seemed to write down a lot of weird stuff, but they probably made some sense to him. 

\- Hey, took you long enough. - San snapped his head at the sound, seeing Yeosang on the entryway that led to the living room - Did you manage to get everything?

\- Yeah. - he answered, eyeing his friend up and down for a few lazy seconds. 

Yeosang was wearing white pajamas with some colorful blue socks. Although it seemed as if he'd just gotten up, he looked beautiful. Ethereal, almost. San could definitely see the charm he had, as well as why he'd become a model in the first place.

\- There was a guy here just now. A few minutes before you got here. - he said, nonchalantly, and San frowned, sitting himself on one of the benches near the island - He was looking for you. Said he knew I used to be your friend and asked if I heard from you at all... 

\- What? - San gulped down his own saliva, watching as Yeosang came closer and sat right next to him.

\- He said he was your boyfriend.

San froze at that, eyes almost popping out of their place. A shiver ran up his spine as he started trembling.

\- _Did you t-tell him?_

\- No.

His breathing became a little faster, his heart beating stronger.

\- What, why... why would Wooyoung just drop everything and come after me? Just, w--

\- What? No. The guy's name was Seonghwa. Park Seonghwa. 

Oh.

_Oh..._

San was completely astonished. He'd expect Wooyoung to come after him, to just leave and drop out from university and chase him to death, but Seonghwa? That he did not expect. His heart ached a little, knowing that they were looking for him (and that they'd actually already found him).

\- Seonghwa hyung? W-what did he look like?

\- Honestly? He looked like shit. Complete shit.

San swore if Yeosang had a better hearing, he would've heard his heart shattering to a billion tiny little pieces.


End file.
